Mother's Day

Sometimes in the adoption community, there are numerous camps of thought and feelings.  Many times I have felt like an outsider because my heart didn't feel the same way about an issue that EVERYONE else seemed to be struggling with.  While our 2nd adoption has had its own struggles, I know it has been so much easier to handle because I already have Mason in my arms.  My heart does not ache from anymore because of not having the children I desired so much, because Mason filled that hole when he came into our lives.  Even though my heart is growing daily as I wait for my next children, I have proof of God's promise right in front of my eyes, that is what I hold onto.

So on Mother's Day, I didn't feel like an adoptive mom, I felt like a mom.  Honestly I was completely selfish. I didn't think much on Mason's birth mother.  I am forever grateful for her, but many times get caught up in my own selfishness and how much I love having him.  It probably makes me a bad person I know, but when I look at my boy I get caught up in the gift she gave me and how I will cherish it.

A facebook group I follow, Connect-A-Kid, posted this awesome article to adoptive moms.  It gave a great explanation of the processes that we go through to get our kids.  Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  It is for determined families who will stop at nothing to complete their families and the plan God has for them.

Here is the article: dear-mom-of-an-adopted-child

Spoke to my heart, and if you are thinking about joining me on this journey then it lays a lot of what your journey will look like in front of you.

Kali Ma...Kali Ma...Kali Ma!

Some of you guys all think I have officially lost it and have now started speaking in tongues.  Some of you know I lost "it" a long time ago, and never bother to go looking for "it".  Some of you are awesome nerds and know exactly what the title means.  For every one else, you must do a little reading before I welcome you into the nerdy folds.

So tonight I watched a movie.  Since we are Netflix and Hulu people I don't always know the latest and greatest movies that are coming out.  I also think that this movie's greatness was not hyped up nearly enough.  However, through the luck of watching "A Dolphin's Tail 2" with my son one night, I saw a commercial for a movie called "The Good Lie".  I was like oh cool...Reese Witherspoon and a great story about refugees coming to America.  Sure, let's watch it.  Sounds like a great feel good movie...right?

I figured out that this was a true story about Sudanese refugees, coming to America, but something goes wrong.  What I didn't realize was that I would cry like a baby throughout it.  So very glad that I did not see this in theaters because I not only cried...I cried UGLY!

So, while the movie was absolutely great...the script and story was not what got me.  What got me was imagining my son.  I watched these kids in this movie face horrible situations, and thought about what would my son's life be like if we hadn't brought him home.

When we met Mason in Russia we were told that he was considered special needs.  Now if you have met my son that would warrant a spit take because he is one of the most intelligent 4 year olds I have ever met.  However, he wasn't considered special needs because of any disability but because of his nationality.  He was an Asian child in a white society.  We were told that if he were not adopted out of Russia that he would always be treated as second class citizen.  That when he turned 3 if still in country he would be moved to another orphanage and would be bullied and mistreated for being different.

What?  Are you kidding me?  They would somehow not be able to see his greatness?  To see how special he is?  I totally get what our driver told us now and see it transforming before our eyes daily.  He told us that "Russian Thorns Become American Roses"!  Yeah...that would be a fair completely biased opinion of Mason.

Ok...back to the movie and ugly cries.  What broke my heart was thinking about how many children had the potential to be something, to do amazing world changing things, to change the world for the better, but because of their life circumstances they got lost.  Life forced something else upon them.

So...you ready to be welcomed into the nerdy folds?  Oh well, too bad...here is a visitor's pass.  Kali Ma is what the crazy witch doctor chanted as he ripped out the heart of the sacrifice in Indiana Jones...that is what happened to me.

What?  Your family doesn't chase each other around chanting "KALI MA" at each other?  Weird...Reid told me it was normal.  Moving on...

I was constantly reminded of my son and the life that he will have because he left the orphanage.  Simply because his life circumstances changed he can now follow his dreams.  Ever since Mason was 2 he told me he is going to be a doctor.  I have no idea what he would have become had he grown up in Russia, but here he has the chance to follow whatever dream he wants.  I see his love and care that he has for people and wonder if he would have such love for people had he been left in that orphanage, had he been harassed for being different.

I already get scared when I look into Mason's eyes because I know God has such a mighty plan for his life.  He is my Samuel and God is going to ask me to give him back to Him one day.  It breaks my heart to think that I could have ignored God's calling for our family and missed out on this amazing child.  I could have missed out on getting to constantly have my heart ripped out as I watch him do amazing things in life.  I could have missed having my heart ripped out as he retells the Bible to me in perfect retelling and acceptance.  I could have missed out on constantly having my heart ripped out as I watch Mason do mighty things with God's help.

I don't want to miss what God has called us to do.  I don't want to miss out on watching His beautiful plan unfold through all of my children that we adopt.  I don't want to miss this...

Adoption Ambassador

I have recently joined a facebook page "Domestic Adoption Support Group" because I was starting to feel pretty lonely in this adoption experience.  I miss having a friends house to just go sit on their couch and "do life" with even though our houses are kid-messy and we are both in yoga pants.  The facebook group has both helped me and sometimes made me very sad as such various groups of individuals deal with their journey of adoption in various ways.  There are communities that surround an individual with love and outpouring when they decide on this journey.  Thee are others who are the first to step out on this journey an everyone stands around and stares at...like a new species is being released into the wild, will it survive?  They will call the new species "Adoptus Parentus" and view from afar as it navigates the wild and if it survives they will welcome all others into their fold.

There was a lady on the support page who is clearly frustrated with her community and she was asking others for advice about what they did during this journey.  I started to think about what was different this time around and it came to me in all of its gloriousness.

An Adoption Ambassador.  Now even those in the adoption community are looking at that phrase saying "WHAT"?  Yes...I am coining the term...copyright...patent pending...because typing it on the internet makes stuff official.  Right?  Sure, why not.  An Adoption Ambassador is an important person in the life of any adoptive family.  For me...that person is my sissy, Tracy!

It's only appropriate you end up on my blog too Tracy...so tag you are it!  She is my Adoption Ambassador.  She has a very important job.  And like any job Tracy does, it has very few boundaries, she gets to look on Pinterest and make pretty things, be excited in an awkward situation and force her feelings on others, and help ease my crazy ideas into the real world.  It doesn't hurt that she is my BFF and our relationship is so close that my husband is creeped out by us.

Adoption Ambassador is not a hard job.  Tracy has been my ambassador for tons of life situations.  When I got engaged I was so nervous...seriously guys, I got engaged before facebook!  GASPS OF HORROR!

I had to call family members (like all day)...and my engagement ring will never be immortalized in the delves of the internet to be found forever in my news feed.  When I walked into church I wanted to let people know, but I didn't want to look like I was an A-hole (for reals I was crazy shy growing up...mostly).  ENTER THE AMBASSADOR TRACY!  She knew I was nervous...I had told her.  So she grabbed me by my wrist and led me around the room.  Since there was no facebook I have included an artistic rendering of the event.

She would walk up to people, shove my ring in their face and exclaim "LAUREN GOT ENGAGED!"  They could be excited, I could be shy, and fun was had by all.  This same experience was had when Reid and I decided to adopt.  We told our family and Tracy was just like this...

She then followed her statement by saying she was surprised that me, the straight laced kid in the family, was the one doing this first.  I am definitely the white picket fence, small yappy dog, suburb kind of girl.  So when I started to share our dream of a family who looked so diverse and different, from all over the world...every ones head exploded.

Enter the Adoption Ambassador.  When we were in a group of people, Tracy would be quick to announce that "Reid and Lauren are adopting" in her Buddy the Elf level of excitement.  When someone responds like that, the excitement is palpable.  You can't help but to respond the same way.  She made it OK for people to be happy for us.  Now I understand that people don't respond poorly out of being mean, but that the word "adoption" doesn't have a mental experiences bank to pull from like the phrase "we're pregnant" does.  Tracy overwhelmed that lack of experience bank and taught people the correct way to respond.  With this face!

I was really afraid of getting the call that we had been matched and not having anything for the baby...because ya'll ADOPTION IS EXPENSIVE!.  We did yard sales, cashed out our savings, borrowed against 401K, family donated to us, did without a lot of extras, and then we put a lot of that kid on a credit card.  The last thing we could justify was buying a new awesome stroller or the cool Moby wrap thing I wanted when we needed to actually pay off the kid first.  So Tracy and my mom threw us a shower.  They invited our friends over to decorate onesies. eat food, and start preparing nursery items.  The coolest part though was the prayer time for our baby.  The shower was done before Christmas, so Tracy and mommy made star ornaments that said "Pray for Mason" to remind people to pray for us on our adoption journey.  Bathing a family in prayer like this makes such a difference.  I can say that I could feel the prayers during some really difficult times, when I felt peace when there wasn't reason for it.

Tracy could also take care of the sensitive issue of the unknown of adoption by asking people to include a gift receipt because we seriously didn't know what size or age child we would be bringing home.  It allowed us to exchange a few items we got that my giant son didn't fit into, because my boy has always been wonderfully large for his age.

 9 months

 11 months

12 months

All of those pics were before he was 1...my baby was healthy.  Ergo, the need to exchange his 12 months clothing for 18 months and 24 months stuff.  And formula...no way this kid went straight to real food in the US to keep up.  And because of our Adoption Ambassador we had the ability to do that.  Those items we recieved from that shower were crucial pieces to our lives.  The umbrella stroller that our leaders from my days in the youth group bought me is how we got our oh so heavy son around Russia.  The cute Ergo dropped that baby to my knees and win for the stroller.

Now, here is the best part about being a child's Adoption Ambassador.  The bond that you will have with that child after being their Ambassador will be unbreakable.  Tracy and Mason have such a special bond that can not be replaced.

She seriously gave up a job living in Africa working with people because she couldn't bear to leave this little boy for 2 years and miss anything in his life.  She is bonded to him by some invisible line that draws them together.  So if that isn't reason enough to be someone's Adoption Ambassador, I don't know what is.  So if you know someone who is adopting, ask them what they wish for, let them vent their frustrations, what are they too afraid to ask for, what do they dream for their baby.  It will be a journey that you will never forget and a bond with that child that is UNBREAKABLE!

...and now for the real pictures!

Adoptive Child Understanding Adoption

I remember laying on a beach on the Fourth of July in 2010.  Reid and I had just recently decided to adopt and we were sharing our hopes for the future.  Now if you have met my husband, he is the poster boy for "A Man of Few Words".

When I was searching for memes and saw this it was perfect because he sometimes starts a sentence and stops...like he used up all his words for the day...and...just...can't...anymore.  So when this man started sharing his dreams for our son and things we would do to win at parenting, (ya'll do realize you are competing against us, right) I was all ears.  He started telling me about how we would celebrate with our son about his adoption.  He came up with great ideas about having our son adopt something on his "Gotcha Day" so he could understand the concept and excitement of bringing something into our family.  Don't worry...we meant like a fish because our kid reminds me of this.

I was in love...any time that my husband strings more than 3 sentences together I get all hot and bothered.  I know everything about his job because I just love when he talks to me.  So we planned and dreamed and shortly after that our dreams came true.

So every year we celebrate with Mason.  We talk openly about traveling to Russia to get him because God told us he had the perfect little boy for us to go an get.  We celebrate and go out to eat and make Mason feel like the most special little boy of all time for being chosen into our family.  We talk about how his birth mother wanted him to have a mommy AND a daddy, that he knew God was going to bring somebody to come and get that precious little baby boy.

So here is where it gets difficult.  We did such a good job of celebrating being adopted that Mason now wonders why other families weren't formed the same way that we were.  When we went to our friends baby shower, Mason asked us who she was going to give her baby to?

SO...I kind of felt like that one went in the win column for adoption AND our parenting.  Apparently we make this look so good Mason thinks everyone should do it.  I explained to him apparently enough for him to understand...or more likely I stammered and talked so much that he got bored and wandered off rather than having to listen to my explanation.  I still to this day don't know if he understands what I was talking about.

Another conversation he had with me was about his birth mom.  He asked about her and I told him what I knew (and had to fill in a lot of holes based on our Russian social workers predictions about similar situations).  My sons following statement made my heart equally break, swell with pride, and realize his self esteem was solid.  When we talked about her not able to take care of him, so she left him with people who would find the perfect family to take care of him, his response was "Wow...she must have been so sad to leave me."  Cue the water works...and not the pretty ones.

"Yes she was baby!"

I am sure that we will have many more talks about this sweet boys adoption and definitely more Gotcha Day celebrations, but for now my boy seems to be pretty well adjusted in understanding this thing called adoption.  However, here is my apology if he asks you who you are giving your baby away to.

The BOOB JOB...rule about Adoption

I have been very lucky in regards to "commentary" about my family and adoption.  I have not run into some of the truly awful things that I have read about well meaning people asking inappropriate questions about adoption.  It is possible that I just don't notice because it seems that since joining the military, Reid and I have been one of (if not the only) the only people on the base that have adopted.

My worst encounter that I had was taking Mason to the Urgent Care in Oklahoma.  My son was having trouble breathing, the clinic on base told me they couldn't see him until that afternoon (7 hours later), so I rushed to the Urgent Care to have him seen.  We used this Urgent Care regularly, at least 5 times prior.  I came running in with my son draped around me and told them his information and what was going on.  Now, granted I had never seen this receptionist...but a regular peeve of mine is when new employees make the regular clientele feel like they are some how imposing on a world where they have been a regular part of.  I was emotionally raw and that poor woman poked the bear.  I tried to look up on facebook the original encounter, but I got distracted looking at sweet pictures of my sweet family.  So I will make it up...or retell from memory.

Sweet and Caring Mom: Hey, I called on the phone a minute ago.  My son is having a hard time breathing.
New Receptionist: What is his name?
Still Being Nice Mom: Mason sdbfbvcvsxfcv, birthdate ssdvxc, address vdsvgfdzvv, blood type vafgb
Rude Receptionist: And who are you?

Slightly Peeved Mom: His Mother.

About To Die Receptionist:  questioning look like she doesn't believe me

Bear Poked Mom:  HE IS ADOPTED.

 And then I looked at her across the room in only the truest of Christian behaviors.

So now that I got to let my rage out in meme's the reason you clicked on the blog today.  This was a great Public Service Announcement to those who have questions about adoption.

You are welcome.

How to support an adoptive family

One of the hardest things that I have encountered as an adoptive mom is not people saying ignorant things, not having double looks when I take my son to the doctor, the hardest thing about being an adoptive mom is feeling alone.  Adoption is something that not many people are familiar with.  When you say you are adopting, people don't have a realm of knowledge to work from and usually close the conversation off quickly.  The process is confusing and messy and refuses to fit into a box.

We recently had friends tell us that they are planning to adopt from foster care and my instant reaction was "YAY" followed closely by an excitement to have someone who would understand this journey in the most intimate of ways.  These friends and us will spend hours combing through details and talking in depth about a process that few go through.

Adoption is long and messy.  We openly walk into a world where all control is ripped from our grasp in the hopes of growing your family as the end result.  A beautiful end result that gives a child a forever home and your family more love than it can handle.

I admit that I might be part of the problem.  There have been times when I have been asked about the adoption and fully opened up and started to share, only to have the conversation sidelined.  As a result I end giving up a vague overview of the most recent events that leaves people quite confused.

So, this blog is not for venting...it is for helping.  What can you do to help a family that is adopting:

1.  LISTEN ~ This process is crazy and lonely and there is nothing better than a person who is willing to let the adoptive parents JUST TALK.  Everything feels just as crazy to us as the changing story that we are telling you, but sometimes just talking helps us to deal with the process.  It is hard for us to open up and share, so set some mental time aside to fully listen.  It is ok to ask questions, because this is a foreign process to most...just don't change the subject on your friend.

2. Be prepared to say "THAT SUCKS" ~ We already know that everything is in God's hands and timing.  We wouldn't have walked into this craziness unless God had led us to it.  When things go array and we lose a match or have a disappointing call from our company, we don't need bible verses quoted to us.  We need a friend to say "THAT SUCKS" and let us talk about the disappointment.  If no one deals with their hurt first they can't move forward.  Even little kids feel better after their temper tantrum...its equally as cathartic for an adult.

3. Learn the process ~ Adoption can be broken down into trimesters.
The FIRST Trimester would be considered our research phase.  We decide what kind of adoption we want to pursue (international, domestic, foster-adopt), we find a company that we feel meets our families needs and beliefs.   We research and choose a homestudy provider and then we wait.
The SECOND Trimester would be during our homestudy.  We force nest because we have to clean our house like it is for sale in fear that dust will keep us from being approved.  We have to gather references from friends and family, and have our previous years scrutinized by background checks and child abuse clearances.  It is invasive and leaves you very vulnerable wondering if you will be considered "good enough" by a stranger.
The THIRD Trimester would be "The Wait".  This is where we get stuck and KNOW NOTHING.  Birth mothers could be looking at your profile and just not picking you.  You don't know how many kids you are going to have or sometimes what gender the child/children will be.  Life gets stuck on a loop and every phone call that has no caller ID sends chills down your spine wondering if someone finally chose you.  We don't get 9 months with a birth mom or sonograms along the way.  We usually get brought in as a part of our child's world during the last month or even after they are born.

4. Treat the new baby like you would any other birth ~ Take the family meals, throw them baby showers (after the baby arrives), and offer the family any help you would to any new mom.  New families are still experiencing sleepless nights, they are adjusting to a life that they jumped into because they never knew when it would come.  They need support because while finally getting their child seems like the end of the journey, but it it truly the beginning.  Trust me, there was nothing easy about the route adoptive families take...they desire to be celebrated too, but will never say it!

5. Be excited for us about the seemingly small stuff ~ When they find their company, celebrate with them...it's like our first sonogram picture.  When they finish our adoption portfolio, celebrate with them...it's like feeling the baby move for the first time.  When the homestudy is completed, celebrate with them...it's like seeing your belly move.

Adoption is beautiful, frustrating, sad, and wonderful.  It is a journey, and just like any journey...no one wants to do it alone.

International, Domestic, Foster...yet so little support

Don't look at the last time I posted...it would be too embarrassing...mainly for me.  I started this blog to share the special things that happened as Mason's mom.  I make mistakes, decorate bedrooms, and occasionally some crafts, but offered very little insight into the adoption world.  Adoption is such a foreign concept to so many and I hoped to shed some light into that dark tunnel of the unknown.

Our most recent adoption journey has been so every changing.  It seemed like every time I would post something regarding our adoption, it would change again.  I just stopped talking about it because I felt like I looked crazy.  We started out planning to go to China or Kyrgyzstan for a little girl.  We then decided to adopt a little boy locally from Oklahoma.  Oklahoma company cancels our adoption when they find out we are moving with the military.  Find a new company and are now waiting for a little boy?...no...girl?...no...twins...why not!  Oh and where is the baby coming from?  I don't know...somewhere in the US is all I can tell you.  With no one to talk to, I felt alone and searched and searched for information and felt even more alone.  Occasionally I would stumble upon some gem of information, but more often than not I would only find a picture of a doggy or kitty.

I am a Google queen...and I have had a hard time finding the information I needed to prepare me for this Domestic Adoption of our little baby...somethings (seriously we have no idea boy/girl or how many)  I would stumble upon a few nuggets of awesomeness such as my new BFF Nia Vardalos.  Seriously, if I ever meet her in person I will never let her go.  Not because of her fame, but because of her heart for adoption and her transparency of her journey.

At the end of her book she dedicated a portion to some brief information of different adoption or foster options.  Not everything was spot on, but I loved the spirit of her desire to help people with any information she had gathered along her long journey.

I have been trying to find information everywhere.  I felt like what I was being offered was fluff.  I wanted a detailed list of what an adoptive mother should bring to the hospital and got information like "bring something to do".  Really...bring clothes for the kid?  I might be stuck in a hospital in a foreign state for 2 weeks and your nugget of information is magazines.

Easy going is not a word that anyone would use to explain me.  My family calls me "The Furor" because I plan and prep with such fury...every scenario or possibility planned for and counter planned.  And God called me to grow my family through one of the most uncontrollable experiences possible.  So I am going to try to be a helpful source to those out there.  We have successfully been through one international adoption, currently going through a domestic adoption, planning on foster adopting, and eventually back overseas again.  I don't claim to have the answers, but can offer the over the top info that I find and accumulate.