But we are still waiting for our Benjamin Levi, our little Benny-Boo-Boo. Waiting NOT so patiently either. I have nested this house into a frenzy, throwing away and selling off anything that we do not need. I have even finished Mason's 4th Birthday party an entire MONTH in advance, because I was so afraid that we would get a call about Ben and wanted to make sure that Mason didn't miss out on his special day. However, now I feel like a crazy person because every time I call to find out our status, I feel like another puzzle piece is placed between my son and our family. Nothing new or unexpected, (whining voice) "BUT I AM READY NOW!"
The wait ~ I am not a patient person and can whip some paperwork out in less than 24 hours to complete a dossier or requirement. But we are not on my schedule or speed...we are working at "normal" people's paces...which apparently means at least 2 months to complete paperwork. So I am sitting NOT so patiently in line behind people working at normal paces, when all I want to do is drive to these people's houses and pick then up and shuttle them around until they are done and me and my son can be united. I guess what hurts so much is the fact that there are so many kids out there that need families and somehow I have to sit on my hands trying to look graceful as I wait.
The nesting ~ Seriously I finished a birthday party an entire month ahead of time because honestly it helped pass the time as we waited. However, now I look like a giant pile of crazy when people come over and Mason's party supplies are laid out across the tables, walls, and shelves. Now I am not talking normal human parties, I am talking Tori Spelling style...like I made each child their own super hero towel capes this week. Custom treat containers, banners, backdrops, and food signs. My husband says my parties are psychotic...he won't even allow me to throw him a party anymore because his last one I turned the entire house into a Mario game:
Apparently, there was a line for adult parties and I crossed it...I am totally not sorry and the crazy only builds, so it is being forced upon Mason's party instead.
The nesting in our house has been extreme as well. Mainly because the house has been so clean this last month. I am not a great cleaner, but the idea of having a little baby crawling around my floors has definitely lit a fire under my butt about keeping everything clean and spotless. Carpets have been shampooed, dishes washed the same day, I even reset the couch cushions and pillows every morning when I wake up. Our house has kind of felt like we were staging it to sell.
Ugghhh...you want to know my badge of crazy secret...if you didn't already know I was a pile of crazy you will soon...I already have Ben's car seat ready and latched into my car! Seriously, I drive around with it in the car all set up because somewhere in my gut I hold onto the hope that I will get a call to pick him up any time now. Want to know why that is stupid? Well because the company hasn't even called me for my homestudy yet. Not sure what that means, well they haven't even officially signed off on placing a child with us. We are in the "pre-approval" process waiting on the chance for the "final approval" when we will be matched. I drive around with a perfectly coordinated car seat waiting for my baby. Doesn't this company know how awesome I am and just let me jump past everything and grab any kid I want? No, oh...well then I will sit here on my hands and go clean my house again.
The heart ~ so I read this amazing article tonight through Pinterest: dear-friends-of-waiting-adoptive-moms that I thought did a really good job of explaining how to love on someone that is going through adoption...because honestly most times we feel like the world looks at us like a giant ball of crazy...bouncing on the balls of our feet, because our hearts are already at the finish line with that baby and somehow we have to keep it together back at Step 3 of 10 with a smile on our faces because we will scare you if we drop all of the information of where we are in the process and how we are really doing with it. It can be so frustrating because the time frames are not up to us. Also because we feel like people don't know how to handle how quickly things change in adoption and once again feel like we are the ones who look crazy as we latch on to the next piece of hope only to have it change 2 days later.
Public service announcement...your friend is not crazy because the plans she shares change every time you talk to her...she is excited about her child and any possible avenue that brings her closer to that child will be explored, even when each new avenue ends up being a dead end...at least chasing down that possible movement is the chance to be closer to that finish line in a rather stagnant process.
Somehow my heart feels better after my ramblings and the insomnia is starting to fade (2:00 am authoring going on right now). Benjamin Levi Hottel...I am ready and waiting for you...and I will never let you go!
As I was reading and chuckling, I thought the same thing...the paperwork and people are a moving target. You have to trust that you are prepared and that God knows when that special baby will come home with you, Praying for your family!
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