Adoption Ambassador

I have recently joined a facebook page "Domestic Adoption Support Group" because I was starting to feel pretty lonely in this adoption experience.  I miss having a friends house to just go sit on their couch and "do life" with even though our houses are kid-messy and we are both in yoga pants.  The facebook group has both helped me and sometimes made me very sad as such various groups of individuals deal with their journey of adoption in various ways.  There are communities that surround an individual with love and outpouring when they decide on this journey.  Thee are others who are the first to step out on this journey an everyone stands around and stares at...like a new species is being released into the wild, will it survive?  They will call the new species "Adoptus Parentus" and view from afar as it navigates the wild and if it survives they will welcome all others into their fold.

There was a lady on the support page who is clearly frustrated with her community and she was asking others for advice about what they did during this journey.  I started to think about what was different this time around and it came to me in all of its gloriousness.

An Adoption Ambassador.  Now even those in the adoption community are looking at that phrase saying "WHAT"?  Yes...I am coining the term...copyright...patent pending...because typing it on the internet makes stuff official.  Right?  Sure, why not.  An Adoption Ambassador is an important person in the life of any adoptive family.  For me...that person is my sissy, Tracy!

It's only appropriate you end up on my blog too Tracy...so tag you are it!  She is my Adoption Ambassador.  She has a very important job.  And like any job Tracy does, it has very few boundaries, she gets to look on Pinterest and make pretty things, be excited in an awkward situation and force her feelings on others, and help ease my crazy ideas into the real world.  It doesn't hurt that she is my BFF and our relationship is so close that my husband is creeped out by us.

Adoption Ambassador is not a hard job.  Tracy has been my ambassador for tons of life situations.  When I got engaged I was so nervous...seriously guys, I got engaged before facebook!  GASPS OF HORROR!

I had to call family members (like all day)...and my engagement ring will never be immortalized in the delves of the internet to be found forever in my news feed.  When I walked into church I wanted to let people know, but I didn't want to look like I was an A-hole (for reals I was crazy shy growing up...mostly).  ENTER THE AMBASSADOR TRACY!  She knew I was nervous...I had told her.  So she grabbed me by my wrist and led me around the room.  Since there was no facebook I have included an artistic rendering of the event.

She would walk up to people, shove my ring in their face and exclaim "LAUREN GOT ENGAGED!"  They could be excited, I could be shy, and fun was had by all.  This same experience was had when Reid and I decided to adopt.  We told our family and Tracy was just like this...

She then followed her statement by saying she was surprised that me, the straight laced kid in the family, was the one doing this first.  I am definitely the white picket fence, small yappy dog, suburb kind of girl.  So when I started to share our dream of a family who looked so diverse and different, from all over the world...every ones head exploded.

Enter the Adoption Ambassador.  When we were in a group of people, Tracy would be quick to announce that "Reid and Lauren are adopting" in her Buddy the Elf level of excitement.  When someone responds like that, the excitement is palpable.  You can't help but to respond the same way.  She made it OK for people to be happy for us.  Now I understand that people don't respond poorly out of being mean, but that the word "adoption" doesn't have a mental experiences bank to pull from like the phrase "we're pregnant" does.  Tracy overwhelmed that lack of experience bank and taught people the correct way to respond.  With this face!

I was really afraid of getting the call that we had been matched and not having anything for the baby...because ya'll ADOPTION IS EXPENSIVE!.  We did yard sales, cashed out our savings, borrowed against 401K, family donated to us, did without a lot of extras, and then we put a lot of that kid on a credit card.  The last thing we could justify was buying a new awesome stroller or the cool Moby wrap thing I wanted when we needed to actually pay off the kid first.  So Tracy and my mom threw us a shower.  They invited our friends over to decorate onesies. eat food, and start preparing nursery items.  The coolest part though was the prayer time for our baby.  The shower was done before Christmas, so Tracy and mommy made star ornaments that said "Pray for Mason" to remind people to pray for us on our adoption journey.  Bathing a family in prayer like this makes such a difference.  I can say that I could feel the prayers during some really difficult times, when I felt peace when there wasn't reason for it.

Tracy could also take care of the sensitive issue of the unknown of adoption by asking people to include a gift receipt because we seriously didn't know what size or age child we would be bringing home.  It allowed us to exchange a few items we got that my giant son didn't fit into, because my boy has always been wonderfully large for his age.

 9 months

 11 months

12 months

All of those pics were before he was 1...my baby was healthy.  Ergo, the need to exchange his 12 months clothing for 18 months and 24 months stuff.  And formula...no way this kid went straight to real food in the US to keep up.  And because of our Adoption Ambassador we had the ability to do that.  Those items we recieved from that shower were crucial pieces to our lives.  The umbrella stroller that our leaders from my days in the youth group bought me is how we got our oh so heavy son around Russia.  The cute Ergo dropped that baby to my knees and win for the stroller.

Now, here is the best part about being a child's Adoption Ambassador.  The bond that you will have with that child after being their Ambassador will be unbreakable.  Tracy and Mason have such a special bond that can not be replaced.

She seriously gave up a job living in Africa working with people because she couldn't bear to leave this little boy for 2 years and miss anything in his life.  She is bonded to him by some invisible line that draws them together.  So if that isn't reason enough to be someone's Adoption Ambassador, I don't know what is.  So if you know someone who is adopting, ask them what they wish for, let them vent their frustrations, what are they too afraid to ask for, what do they dream for their baby.  It will be a journey that you will never forget and a bond with that child that is UNBREAKABLE!

...and now for the real pictures!

Adoptive Child Understanding Adoption

I remember laying on a beach on the Fourth of July in 2010.  Reid and I had just recently decided to adopt and we were sharing our hopes for the future.  Now if you have met my husband, he is the poster boy for "A Man of Few Words".

When I was searching for memes and saw this it was perfect because he sometimes starts a sentence and stops...like he used up all his words for the day...and...just...can't...anymore.  So when this man started sharing his dreams for our son and things we would do to win at parenting, (ya'll do realize you are competing against us, right) I was all ears.  He started telling me about how we would celebrate with our son about his adoption.  He came up with great ideas about having our son adopt something on his "Gotcha Day" so he could understand the concept and excitement of bringing something into our family.  Don't worry...we meant like a fish because our kid reminds me of this.

I was in love...any time that my husband strings more than 3 sentences together I get all hot and bothered.  I know everything about his job because I just love when he talks to me.  So we planned and dreamed and shortly after that our dreams came true.

So every year we celebrate with Mason.  We talk openly about traveling to Russia to get him because God told us he had the perfect little boy for us to go an get.  We celebrate and go out to eat and make Mason feel like the most special little boy of all time for being chosen into our family.  We talk about how his birth mother wanted him to have a mommy AND a daddy, that he knew God was going to bring somebody to come and get that precious little baby boy.

So here is where it gets difficult.  We did such a good job of celebrating being adopted that Mason now wonders why other families weren't formed the same way that we were.  When we went to our friends baby shower, Mason asked us who she was going to give her baby to?

SO...I kind of felt like that one went in the win column for adoption AND our parenting.  Apparently we make this look so good Mason thinks everyone should do it.  I explained to him apparently enough for him to understand...or more likely I stammered and talked so much that he got bored and wandered off rather than having to listen to my explanation.  I still to this day don't know if he understands what I was talking about.

Another conversation he had with me was about his birth mom.  He asked about her and I told him what I knew (and had to fill in a lot of holes based on our Russian social workers predictions about similar situations).  My sons following statement made my heart equally break, swell with pride, and realize his self esteem was solid.  When we talked about her not able to take care of him, so she left him with people who would find the perfect family to take care of him, his response was "Wow...she must have been so sad to leave me."  Cue the water works...and not the pretty ones.

"Yes she was baby!"

I am sure that we will have many more talks about this sweet boys adoption and definitely more Gotcha Day celebrations, but for now my boy seems to be pretty well adjusted in understanding this thing called adoption.  However, here is my apology if he asks you who you are giving your baby away to.

The BOOB JOB...rule about Adoption

I have been very lucky in regards to "commentary" about my family and adoption.  I have not run into some of the truly awful things that I have read about well meaning people asking inappropriate questions about adoption.  It is possible that I just don't notice because it seems that since joining the military, Reid and I have been one of (if not the only) the only people on the base that have adopted.

My worst encounter that I had was taking Mason to the Urgent Care in Oklahoma.  My son was having trouble breathing, the clinic on base told me they couldn't see him until that afternoon (7 hours later), so I rushed to the Urgent Care to have him seen.  We used this Urgent Care regularly, at least 5 times prior.  I came running in with my son draped around me and told them his information and what was going on.  Now, granted I had never seen this receptionist...but a regular peeve of mine is when new employees make the regular clientele feel like they are some how imposing on a world where they have been a regular part of.  I was emotionally raw and that poor woman poked the bear.  I tried to look up on facebook the original encounter, but I got distracted looking at sweet pictures of my sweet family.  So I will make it up...or retell from memory.

Sweet and Caring Mom: Hey, I called on the phone a minute ago.  My son is having a hard time breathing.
New Receptionist: What is his name?
Still Being Nice Mom: Mason sdbfbvcvsxfcv, birthdate ssdvxc, address vdsvgfdzvv, blood type vafgb
Rude Receptionist: And who are you?

Slightly Peeved Mom: His Mother.

About To Die Receptionist:  questioning look like she doesn't believe me

Bear Poked Mom:  HE IS ADOPTED.

 And then I looked at her across the room in only the truest of Christian behaviors.

So now that I got to let my rage out in meme's the reason you clicked on the blog today.  This was a great Public Service Announcement to those who have questions about adoption.

You are welcome.

How to support an adoptive family

One of the hardest things that I have encountered as an adoptive mom is not people saying ignorant things, not having double looks when I take my son to the doctor, the hardest thing about being an adoptive mom is feeling alone.  Adoption is something that not many people are familiar with.  When you say you are adopting, people don't have a realm of knowledge to work from and usually close the conversation off quickly.  The process is confusing and messy and refuses to fit into a box.

We recently had friends tell us that they are planning to adopt from foster care and my instant reaction was "YAY" followed closely by an excitement to have someone who would understand this journey in the most intimate of ways.  These friends and us will spend hours combing through details and talking in depth about a process that few go through.

Adoption is long and messy.  We openly walk into a world where all control is ripped from our grasp in the hopes of growing your family as the end result.  A beautiful end result that gives a child a forever home and your family more love than it can handle.

I admit that I might be part of the problem.  There have been times when I have been asked about the adoption and fully opened up and started to share, only to have the conversation sidelined.  As a result I end giving up a vague overview of the most recent events that leaves people quite confused.

So, this blog is not for venting...it is for helping.  What can you do to help a family that is adopting:

1.  LISTEN ~ This process is crazy and lonely and there is nothing better than a person who is willing to let the adoptive parents JUST TALK.  Everything feels just as crazy to us as the changing story that we are telling you, but sometimes just talking helps us to deal with the process.  It is hard for us to open up and share, so set some mental time aside to fully listen.  It is ok to ask questions, because this is a foreign process to most...just don't change the subject on your friend.

2. Be prepared to say "THAT SUCKS" ~ We already know that everything is in God's hands and timing.  We wouldn't have walked into this craziness unless God had led us to it.  When things go array and we lose a match or have a disappointing call from our company, we don't need bible verses quoted to us.  We need a friend to say "THAT SUCKS" and let us talk about the disappointment.  If no one deals with their hurt first they can't move forward.  Even little kids feel better after their temper tantrum...its equally as cathartic for an adult.

3. Learn the process ~ Adoption can be broken down into trimesters.
The FIRST Trimester would be considered our research phase.  We decide what kind of adoption we want to pursue (international, domestic, foster-adopt), we find a company that we feel meets our families needs and beliefs.   We research and choose a homestudy provider and then we wait.
The SECOND Trimester would be during our homestudy.  We force nest because we have to clean our house like it is for sale in fear that dust will keep us from being approved.  We have to gather references from friends and family, and have our previous years scrutinized by background checks and child abuse clearances.  It is invasive and leaves you very vulnerable wondering if you will be considered "good enough" by a stranger.
The THIRD Trimester would be "The Wait".  This is where we get stuck and KNOW NOTHING.  Birth mothers could be looking at your profile and just not picking you.  You don't know how many kids you are going to have or sometimes what gender the child/children will be.  Life gets stuck on a loop and every phone call that has no caller ID sends chills down your spine wondering if someone finally chose you.  We don't get 9 months with a birth mom or sonograms along the way.  We usually get brought in as a part of our child's world during the last month or even after they are born.

4. Treat the new baby like you would any other birth ~ Take the family meals, throw them baby showers (after the baby arrives), and offer the family any help you would to any new mom.  New families are still experiencing sleepless nights, they are adjusting to a life that they jumped into because they never knew when it would come.  They need support because while finally getting their child seems like the end of the journey, but it it truly the beginning.  Trust me, there was nothing easy about the route adoptive families take...they desire to be celebrated too, but will never say it!

5. Be excited for us about the seemingly small stuff ~ When they find their company, celebrate with them...it's like our first sonogram picture.  When they finish our adoption portfolio, celebrate with them...it's like feeling the baby move for the first time.  When the homestudy is completed, celebrate with them...it's like seeing your belly move.

Adoption is beautiful, frustrating, sad, and wonderful.  It is a journey, and just like any journey...no one wants to do it alone.