One of the hardest things that I have encountered as an adoptive mom is not people saying ignorant things, not having double looks when I take my son to the doctor, the hardest thing about being an adoptive mom is feeling alone. Adoption is something that not many people are familiar with. When you say you are adopting, people don't have a realm of knowledge to work from and usually close the conversation off quickly. The process is confusing and messy and refuses to fit into a box.
We recently had friends tell us that they are planning to adopt from foster care and my instant reaction was "YAY" followed closely by an excitement to have someone who would understand this journey in the most intimate of ways. These friends and us will spend hours combing through details and talking in depth about a process that few go through.
Adoption is long and messy. We openly walk into a world where all control is ripped from our grasp in the hopes of growing your family as the end result. A beautiful end result that gives a child a forever home and your family more love than it can handle.
I admit that I might be part of the problem. There have been times when I have been asked about the adoption and fully opened up and started to share, only to have the conversation sidelined. As a result I end giving up a vague overview of the most recent events that leaves people quite confused.
So, this blog is not for venting...it is for helping. What can you do to help a family that is adopting:
1. LISTEN ~ This process is crazy and lonely and there is nothing better than a person who is willing to let the adoptive parents JUST TALK. Everything feels just as crazy to us as the changing story that we are telling you, but sometimes just talking helps us to deal with the process. It is hard for us to open up and share, so set some mental time aside to fully listen. It is ok to ask questions, because this is a foreign process to most...just don't change the subject on your friend.
2. Be prepared to say "THAT SUCKS" ~ We already know that everything is in God's hands and timing. We wouldn't have walked into this craziness unless God had led us to it. When things go array and we lose a match or have a disappointing call from our company, we don't need bible verses quoted to us. We need a friend to say "THAT SUCKS" and let us talk about the disappointment. If no one deals with their hurt first they can't move forward. Even little kids feel better after their temper tantrum...its equally as cathartic for an adult.
3. Learn the process ~ Adoption can be broken down into trimesters.
The FIRST Trimester would be considered our research phase. We decide what kind of adoption we want to pursue (international, domestic, foster-adopt), we find a company that we feel meets our families needs and beliefs. We research and choose a homestudy provider and then we wait.
The SECOND Trimester would be during our homestudy. We force nest because we have to clean our house like it is for sale in fear that dust will keep us from being approved. We have to gather references from friends and family, and have our previous years scrutinized by background checks and child abuse clearances. It is invasive and leaves you very vulnerable wondering if you will be considered "good enough" by a stranger.
The THIRD Trimester would be "The Wait". This is where we get stuck and KNOW NOTHING. Birth mothers could be looking at your profile and just not picking you. You don't know how many kids you are going to have or sometimes what gender the child/children will be. Life gets stuck on a loop and every phone call that has no caller ID sends chills down your spine wondering if someone finally chose you. We don't get 9 months with a birth mom or sonograms along the way. We usually get brought in as a part of our child's world during the last month or even after they are born.
4. Treat the new baby like you would any other birth ~ Take the family meals, throw them baby showers (after the baby arrives), and offer the family any help you would to any new mom. New families are still experiencing sleepless nights, they are adjusting to a life that they jumped into because they never knew when it would come. They need support because while finally getting their child seems like the end of the journey, but it it truly the beginning. Trust me, there was nothing easy about the route adoptive families take...they desire to be celebrated too, but will never say it!
5. Be excited for us about the seemingly small stuff ~ When they find their company, celebrate with them...it's like our first sonogram picture. When they finish our adoption portfolio, celebrate with them...it's like feeling the baby move for the first time. When the homestudy is completed, celebrate with them...it's like seeing your belly move.
Adoption is beautiful, frustrating, sad, and wonderful. It is a journey, and just like any journey...no one wants to do it alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment